EDDIE CATZ BLOG

Strange and funny things people have screamed while giving birth

Strange and funny things people have screamed while giving birth
This month I’ve decided to share some stories from the delivery room that I came across on Reddit. I don’t usually use Reddit but I friend of mine knows how much I enjoy a good labour horror story so she sent me a link.
These are stories from doctors, nurses, midwives and parents. I have slightly edited the language in some of these stories, enjoy.

Salad tongs
“When my brother was born, they had to use forceps to get him out. My mom saw them and screamed ‘THOSE ARE SALAD TONGS! YOU ARE NOT PUTTING ANY GODDAMN KITCHENWARE IN THERE!’
You should really go out with him
“During one of the births [my roommate] was helping out in, the mom and the dad were separated but still good friends. So while this woman is pushing out her baby she begins to half tell/half scream that my roommate should date her ex – the baby daddy. The conversation went something like this:
“Mom: You should really….(screams in pain)….go out with….(Screams again) him sometime. He’s really fun.
“Dad: I wouldn’t mind some drinks sometime, what are you doing this evening?”
You have no idea
When my sister was in labour, she was screaming and our mom was trying to be comforting: “It’ll be OK. Take some deep breaths. It’ll be over soon.”
Then my sister looks up at our mom and says “You have no idea what this is like.’”
F*** this, I’m going home
Patient fully dilated, started pushing, then changed her mind. “I don’t wanna do this, I’m going the f*** home.” And then tried to get off the table.
Knock, knock
When my aunt was giving birth, she was all jokes. Very angry jokes, but jokes none-the-less.
’KNOCK-KNOCK! WHO’S THERE?! THE BABY! NOT YET!’
‘I’m lady Darth Vader!’
My husband told me when I was breathing the laughing gas I screamed “I’m lady Darth Vader!” as I was pushing. Then I asked the doctor if he felt my tonsils when he had his arm up there.
I’m gonna set everyone on fire
After a long contraction, I said quietly “I’m gonna set everyone in this room on fire.” Everyone laughed, including the nurse, but I think my devoutly Christian mother-in-law started to cry.
That’s how we got into this mess
EMT who did a birth on the side of the road. Woman shouted “f*** me!” during a contraction, and the husband casually replied, “That’s how we got into this mess, dammit!”
I had a very hard time containing myself.
She doesn’t have a face!
When I was born, my dad didn’t know that babies are usually born face down, and as I was coming out he screams: ‘OH MY GOD SHE DOESN’T HAVE A FACE’.”
What’s wrong with redheads?
“The hair isn’t red is it?!” Apparently she was terrified the baby would be black with red hair.
It must be a tumor
A story from a Paramedic who was called in from a woman who had abdominal pain and didn’t realise she was pregnant
Patient: ‘You are an idiot! I am not f**king pregnant’
Me: ‘Well, I can see a head crowning’
Patient: Thats must be a f**king tumor!
The tumor was a healthy baby girl. Mom was totally sweet afterwards btw.
Escape
A friend of mine told her husband to go and get the doctor. “I can’t do this, tell them that you know me really well and that I can’t do this!”
come coño
I am not an OBGYN but I was questioning a patient in the ER about some other health problem, she wasn’t carrying at that time. When I got to the part about the gynecological history I asked how many kids did she have and how were they born. She had two kids and were both born with C-section. I should clarify that this was in pain and the patient was gypsy, now gypsies are not usually well educated and women often marry young and don’t finish school, they also talk weird.
Now, the lady told me she had 2 kids and 2 c-sections and I asked her why she had to deliver by c-section she said because the first kid was a “come coño”. Well, this can be translated as “ladygarden (edited) eater”. This lady was convinced that her first child was going to eat her ladygarden (edited) and had to be taken out before he did. You can imagine my surprise. At first I didn’t understand and left the room after the questioning still puzzled. I went and started digging in her file and found out that the c-section had to be done because after she broke water the doctors noticed the amniotic fluid was filled with baby poo, usually when a baby poos in-utero, it is a sign that the baby is suffering and has to come out quick, that was why she had a c-section. Now here is why it is funny:
  1. In-utero baby poo is called meconio.
  2. The doctors probably told this lady that she had to get a c-section because the baby comes with meconio
  3. Comes with meconio = “viene con meconio” in spanish.
  4. “Viene con meconio” sounds a lot like “viene comecoño” (lady garden eater)
  5. Imagine being told your whole life that your mom had to get a c-section because you were going to eat her lady garden when you actually almost died at child birth.
I know it must not be that funny in english but I did my best translating it and hope some of you see how funny it was for me.
Too posh to swear
One lady was too posh to swear when in pain from contractions, she just said
“jeepers creepers” and “Jinkies!”
I want Tacos!
I was high on meds at the time, I was begging for BBQ ribs in between contractions. “C’mon, honey! The nurses will never know!” They were standing right there.
I wasn’t on meds and still thought it was perfectly fine to say, “Honey, leave now, run down the road and bring me back a burrito with guac and hots.”
My mom told my dad to get her taco bell and he said NO you’re in labor!
Angry jokes
When my first child was born his head was kind of misshapen, and when the doctor lifted him up to show my wife she yelled “why the f**k does he look like a raptor?” I lost it.
My mom almost punched her best friend when I came out with my head all funny. My mom said, “How does she look?” And her friend’s response was “… Kind of like E.T.” My mom didn’t have a sense of humor about it.
It’s a ….
Peter: [after Carol has given birth] Oh, my God!
Lois: What? What?!
Peter: [holds a crying baby] It’s a beautiful baby girl.
Carol: Oh, a baby girl! I’m so happy!
Peter: But she has a penis. Well, we’ll have to do somethin’ about that. [grabs a scalpel]
Lois: [takes the scalpel] Peter, no! It’s a boy!
We hired a doula for our first kid 4 years ago. She told us a story that I still laugh about. She was with a couple that had been told they were having a daughter as their first kid. So like first time parents they outdid themselves with everything pink, sparkly and frilly, the whole 9 yards. Mom goes in to labor and they call the doula to come in to be there for the birth. Mom’s pushing, dad is cheerleading nervously. The baby pops out and the doula notices that the sonogram tech that said they were having a girl messed up. The dad is too busy to notice anything is amiss. So the doula tell the dad to do a finger and toe count to clue him in. So the dad looks at the baby, see 10 fingers and 10 toes and one penis. Now he’d been told that he’s having a daughter for the past 6 months and sees a penis and the first thing he screams is “OH MY GOD! MY DAUGHTER HAS A PENIS!”
Demands
My wife told me, in a satanic voice, to “get better ice chips, these suck!”. I am not sure what the quality issue was, but I ran and got her a different cup full.
Award
I’m a nurse and one of the strangest things that I’ve seen happen while someone is giving birth is one patient decided to tell her boyfriend that it wasn’t his baby… That made the whole room silent and the boyfriend just left without saying a thing.
When my first was born, a nurse told us about a black baby being born unexpectedly to a white mother in full view of her white husband. This was in the 80s in my very conservative white town. She said both sets of parents were there and you could have cut the atmosphere with a knife.
It’s all about the painkillers
After I had my son I was pretty wasted on all the pain Meds they’d given me, I looked at my husband and said ‘honey, Condoleezza Rice is out there waiting for me, tell her I can’t come out to play today, I just had a baby.’
I had a c-section and was pretty out of it. When they held up my daughter and said “here’s your baby!” I responded “that’s not mine, I’ve never seen it before in my life. Take it to lost and found.”
Whoops
As a nursing student I was watching a planned c-section. The procedure was being preformed by the senior resident. Everything seemed to be going well when I heard the resident mutter “whoops” and I looked up and saw blood squirting out, pulsing. She fixed the artery very quickly but it obviously freaked out mom and dad. Everything turned out okay for mom and baby.
First words
First words to my son: “you better be awesome cause that fucking hurt a lot.”
And relax…
We took so many classes about relaxation and massage and meditation. We bought this white noise machine and I thought I would listen to soothing ocean sounds during labor lol.
But the second the contractions started getting serious I didn’t want anyone to make a sound or move at all. Which sounds more like a bank robbery than childbirth really but hey.
Comforting Words
Vomiting is common and not really caused by the pain, but by the contractions. My midwife said : first comes puke, then sh**, then the baby.
Him
 
A friends mom is a nurse. Nurse: “Have you seen the mucus plug?” Woman in labor: “Yeah, that moron went out to have a cigarette!”
A young couple, mom and dad were both around 18 if I recall correctly, first baby for them both. Mom’s pushing and Dad is doing this awkward jig wanting to be helpful but not really knowing how to be helpful. At one point I say, “Okay, we can see the head now” (still awhile to go) and Dad jumps up, runs to the counter, puts on rubber gloves, and gets into football receiving position, like 10 feet away from mom’s legs. We all burst out laughing and he was very embarrassed to learn that babies do not shoot out across the room to be caught like a football.
Number 2s
My nurses said “Tell me if it feels like you have to poop!” And I yelled “I have to poop!” My husband told me later that at that moment, a giant poop fell out. The nurses scooped it up in the disposable sheet under me and I never even knew.
Later, they put the mirror in front of me to help with pushing. Every time I pushed, a little turd would pop out to say hello and then quickly disappear again. It was horrifying.
More stories from the front line
I have a few funny stories. I am an OBGYN resident doctor.
Lady was pushing for 2 hours and the head was finally crowning. She had like 1-2 pushes left to deliver the baby. Suddenly, “never mind I don’t want to do this anymore!” People aren’t in their right mind truly so rather than coddle them it is honestly best to just sternly say, “No, you’re getting this baby out now, Ok? Now push!” She delivered the next push :)
Had a complete druggie try to deliver her baby with her legs together. Normally that would make it hard to deliver anyhow, but for her the baby kept coming and just delivered behind her closed legs. One of us basically threw our body under her ass to keep her from sitting on her baby’s head.
While the baby is crowning, “Why??? Why do I keep doing this to my self?” (as in keep getting pregnant).
Teenager delivering her baby and the baby daddy is there who is also a teen. Pooping is common in deliveries… I’d say 30-50% of the time. Anyhow she starts pooping and gets really self conscious and turns to her boyfriend yelling, “Don’t LOOOOOOOK!”
After the baby delivers you still need to deliver the placenta. Usually not a big deal but a lot of blood and fluid comes with it often. As she pushes it out her husband’s face goes white and he says, “Woah.” and has to sit down as he faints.
Some times people are just damn ignorant. I had a lady come in who was >42 weeks pregnant. I’m sorry, even the most crunchy of midwives will agree it’s time for that baby to come out. Anyhow the dad is all like, “what do you mean you’re going to induce her to deliver? You think I’m going to let you get up on top of her and jump on her belly then reach down and pull my baby out?!” Wow dude. Also “you keep talking about contractions! What are they?!” This was his third child. He didn’t know what a contraction was. Wat da?
As I mentioned above women often poop while pushing. A lady had a massive BM which really stank up the room. She turns to her husband and mother and yells, “who the hell farted?!” That was embarrassing.
After delivery the vagina and vulva can really burn after being stretched out that much. I had a lady exclaim, “damn I could really use an ice cube on my taint!”
Usually in a c-section the father of the baby sits with the mother in the OR as we do the operation. Sometimes it’s the patient’s mother, too. In this case it was a young white couple where the father didn’t want to be in the OR. When the baby was cut out but the patient couldn’t see it yet b/c the curtain was still up, her mother who was present goes, “well, the baby isn’t black!” The patient exclaims, “Mom, what the hell!?”
Some people are into doing it SUUUPER naturally. So they have fans, incense, and storm music in the background. Often they will use chanting to calm themselves. One lady would whisper, “Peace….Peace…Peace” between pushes. Anyhow as the baby was crowning and she was really feeling that ring of fire she half snaps out of her Zen character and yells, “Peace!..Peeeeeace!!! Oh f**king Jesus it’s on fire! someone put water on it!”
Those are just a few :)
Under the knife
To this day she doesn’t remember this. My wife had a epidural for the C-Section and at one point asked ‘Is it out yet? I really should get home now?’ So I answered ‘No honey, they still busy cutting.’ Her reply had the entire OR in stitches ‘Ok. Tell them to neaten up while they are in there.’
Grandma in the delivery room
Not a doctor but was present for my cousins birth. My 90 year old grandma was there, sitting on the other side of the curtain. She wanted to be present but didn’t want to see anything. She had never witnessed a birth before and doesn’t remember anything about having her own four children. As the baby came out, everyone on the birthing side of the curtain was cheering and excited. This caused my grandma to decide she needed to open the curtain to see what was going on. She actually clutched her chest and fell back into her chair in horror. Nearly 12 hours of labor and to this day, that’s about the only thing I remember.
Bad boy
I think by far the one that made me and the nurses laugh the most was a woman with a thick jamaican accent that kept saying “oh you bad boy” over and over in between contractions/pushes.
White Stevie Wonder
When I was born, they had a fetal monitor of some sorts that they had attached to my head. It had little beads on the chord, so my father said I looked like “white Stevie Wonder.” My mother proceeded to scream, “SHE’S BLIND?!”

A very yummy mummy

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