Pole Dancing at the School Summer Fair

Pole Dancing at the School Summer Fair

Dear Parent/Guardian/Custodian/Procreator,

We are sad to announce that due to parental unrest caused by recent stories in the popular press this Saturday’s Pole Dancing Extravaganza Display by year 4 at our Summer Fair has been cancelled.

I am happy to let you know that the Maypole dancing will still go ahead.

Kind regards


We had India in tears all week thanks to this letter as she and her year 4 “crew” have been practicing their Beyoncé Dance For You routine for months now.
Nevertheless, this summer’s school fair was an outstanding success mostly thanks to Probably the Best School Fair Raffle in the World. The Tombola on the other hand with it’s re-gifted bottles of Advocaat and sweet sherry only managed to raise £12.50. The Pimms stand however proved to be an inspired addition.

Of course I was volunteering with the other AlphaMums. Frustratingly I had to pay the nanny time and a half to drag around Dumpy and Dippy whilst India sulked by the cake stand with me. Normally MotherDearest would help us out but she finds the mixture of children and hot weather far too unbearable.

LovingHusband wasn’t much help either, refusing to tear himself away from the office for a Saturday stating “Why don’t I just go to work and donate the money I earn rather than the £15 I would have made standing by the swing boats all day?”

After 3 months of raffle prize begging and 72 hours of solid baking I was already starting to suffer the symptoms of School Fund-raising Burnout Syndrome (SFBS). But I had to keep it together for the Great British AlphaMum Bake Off. There was no Mary Berry tasting the Battenbergs and Petits Fours. The only winner of this competition was who will sell their baked goods the quickest and raise the most money.

The contenders (names have been changed to protect their privacy)

Her Red Velvet cake was as loud and obnoxious as she is.

Purple Velvet torte, the beetroot, gluten free, dairy free, taste free, kosher option.

Praline meringue cake with eggs hand beaten with the aid of her veiny muscly arms.

It’s still unconfirmed whether she is in fact a gangster’s wife but either way no one complained about the Mr Kipling French Fancies she brought with her.

I got in there early and insisted on making cupcakes. In the end I produced 300 of them.

It soon became clear to me that I wasn’t going to be able to sell 300 cupcakes to 80 people so I invested in some ringers. My sister purchased dozen for her little animals and I took phone orders from other friends and family for 180 others.
I have yet to be reimbursed for any of these phone orders and with the two dozen I brought back from myself on the day and the ingredients I think I spent about £300.

The Great British AlphaMums Bake Off winner?

Yours truly, money well spent.

A very yummy mummy

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